Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
