he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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