as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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