Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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