I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
