apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
