new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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