They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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