I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
