dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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