The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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