Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
