ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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