I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
