I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
