I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
