woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
