Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
