So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dignity is for republicans.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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