I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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