how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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