Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
40s are totally the cure
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
