He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
