he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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