I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
