you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
