i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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