Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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