I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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