Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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