we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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