i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
