I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.