I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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