Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
