You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
