scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
