so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
