he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
