and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
