sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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