I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
