a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Duck Duck Cougar?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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