My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
