happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
