Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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