Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
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My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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