Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
