The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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