Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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