I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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