I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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