ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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