I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
